What Do I Do with my Kid’s Big Feelings?
When Seemingly Small Events Lead to Seismic Reactions…..
What do I do when my kid is suddenly taken over by a big, strong (often inconvenient!) feeling? This is a question that all parents grapple with. The parenting guidance that was available for most of our parents was that time outs, spankings, and focusing on parental authority and respect were some of the most important ingredients in raising kids. Then we look to the parenting guidance of today and find something that can sound very unfamiliar. “Time in”; “Connect and then Redirect”; “Allow the Feeling’; “All feelings are ok”.
What the heck? What does that mean? How does that even work? Does that work?? Does that mean that my kids can just do whatever they want?!? Is anybody sure about this? Does this mean I am expected to be calm and patient all the time? Have you ever met a toddler?? Have you ever tried living with TWO of them?!?
This is fairly new territory, but it is backed by tons of neuroscience, and yes it DOES work! What is most exciting to me is that it works in a way that feels so much better to kids AND parents. And no, you are absolutely not expected to be cool, calm, and collected all of the time!
So what does this actually look like?
An example from my house:
Dad has been making breakfast and my daughter has been in and out of the kitchen. She's seen that Dad has been working on making eggs, even talked with him about it. Dad calls “breakfast is ready!” My daughter walks into the kitchen to a plate of eggs, avocado, and sauerkraut (I swear it’s a really yummy combo).
I DON’T WANT EGGS, I DON’T LIKE EGGS! (Her usual favorite breakfast). I’M NOT EATING THAT! I WANT OATMEAL, I WANT SOMETHING SWEET, I WANT SOMETHING SWEEEET, I WANT OOOOOOOAAAAAATMEAL, OOOOOOOOAAAAAAATMEAL NOW! DADDY MAKE OATMEAL, DADDY PLEASE MAAAAAAAKE OATMEAAAAAALLLLLLL!!! (Crying ,pleading, refusing to come the the table)
So we all know what our knee-jerk, tired parent reaction would be here (myself included on many days!). E.g. “Don’t talk to me that way! This is ridiculous, you knew we were having eggs, eat your eggs!” (Maybe with a plate slam on a morning when you just can’t). But how does this end? More tears, refusing, parent feeling so frustrated, kid feeling alone and misunderstood, a total bummer for everyone.
It doesn’t have to go like that. I have noticed that if I can separate from that automatic reaction, even just a little bit, and pause, there is another way. If I can take a breath and remember that my kiddo is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time, then there is an opportunity to connect. I find over and over that connecting with my kid gets us through tough situations quickly and more painlessly. Connection comes with the added bonus of creating an opportunity to teach our kids, instead of just managing their moment-to-moment behavior.
So what would I do?
It would sound something like this: “Oh my goodness you are REALLY wishing that you could have oatmeal, you are wishing for something sweet in your mouth. You want it SO much (with emphasis!), you wish you could have it RIGHT NOW! I know love bug, it is so hard when you want something that you can’t have. It looks like you are feeling disappointed AND frustrated. I get it.”
Now on certain days, this will diffuse her instantly on certain days she may go on a little longer (rinse, repeat).
Then when you sense an opening, a little silliness can work wonders. You could have a toy call for your kiddo from the table to come and try the “most deliciousest eggs”. You could propose a silly chicken walk race or challenge them to a silly face contest once everyone is in their seat.
So is this just letting her get away with demanding things?!? No. For a couple of reasons.
You are definitely NOT going to make your kid oatmeal! Or give them any type of different breakfast. This will end in them eating eggs, or something already on their plate, maybe you add some fruit if you have it on hand.
In this moment when your kiddo is flooded with emotion, you are helping them understand their feeling. You are supporting them through the very human experience of being overwhelmed by a feeling. You are teaching them about what is happening in their brain and body.
There will be a moment where you get to talk about how yelling and demanding is something you try not to do in your family. This moment could come at breakfast, if connection has been restored, or maybe even better at dinner that night when everyone has had a little time to cool off and process.
This moment would sound like this:
“Do you remember that big feeling you had before breakfast this morning? Woof that was a big one! It was like the feeling took over your whole body!
What would you call that feeling? I think I would call it a disappointed/mad swirl. We all feel that way sometimes and it is ok to feel that way.
But one thing that we work on in our family is speaking to each other kindly and treating each other with love. That means we all try not to yell or speak to each other unkindly. Daddy and I forget sometimes too.
What is something we can all do when we have mad feelings? (Gather ideas from everyone) We can practice together!”
What you are doing here is NORMALIZING the very normal, developmentally appropriate feeling. We so often inadvertently shame our kiddos for being humans. Here instead of shaming you are:
normalizing the feeling
showing that as human parents you have those feelings too
connecting around family values
teaching how to cope with challenging feelings
Then the next time it comes up you have this foundation built. You can say “there’s the mad/disappointed swirl! We have seen this before, we know what to do! Go to the window!” (a personal favorite in our house).
Will these things work and work quickly 100% of the time? No. But they will help to get through tough moments, the more you use them the more they will work. These strategies will build connection between you and your kiddo, bring you closer, and teach them the things they need to know about being a human! Win-win-win. Try it out! I’d love to hear your experiences :).
**Disclaimer**
This blog is intended for support and educational purposes and does not replace therapy, coaching or a consultation.
